The Alters
by chukaliteluvver
Summary: Artemis is still undergoing treatment underground for the Atlantis Coplex, and he can't sleep. Why? Well, there are four Alters running rampant in his mind, and one's running a gameshow, of all things. So, he has to play along. And find out precisely why cows go 'moo'. One-shot, unless I crank out more


Voices in his head. That was why he couldn't sleep. Because of the accursed voices in his head.

Curse the Complex. Curse every mental disease like this, and whatever sadist had come up with the brilliant idea of giving it to him.

_WELCOME TO THE FOWL SHOW!_

Irritated, Artemis's eyebrows twitched as the voice in his head cried out, interrupting his sleep. _Here are our contestants; Arty and Orion Fowl!_

Orion giggled cheerily, and clapped in the vestiges of the mind-office, as Alex pranced around the small room, gesturing so that the office transformed into a TV studio.

Artemis got up, rubbed bleary eyes, and demanded, _what in bleep are you doing?!_

The most recent alter-ego to make his appearance spun around to face his Original and grinned maniacally. The tell-tale glints of madness that lingered in the eyes that mimicked Artemis's own grew more pronounced, and Alex Fowl said, _running a game show, genius, _like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Knowing that trying to Stop Alex while he was in one of these moods was futile, Artemis simply covered his eyes with his hands, and pleaded (in a very un-Artemis-ish way), _well, at least _try _to be silent, will you? Its mother's birthday tomorrow and I need to rest if Doctor Argon is going to pronounce me well enough for a visit._

Another figure appeared from a door that had not been there until a few seconds ago, looked around shyly with widened eyes (again, a carbon-copy of everyone else in the mind-office-turned-studio) and mumbled, _what's going on?_

This one looked timidly at the rest, and held a gold coin with a hole in the middle like it was a lifeline in his fist, rounded shoulders trembling at the sight of them. He looked down at his bared feet when Artemis glowered at him. Orion, perched on a plush sofa, smiled kindly at him, and clarified, _it's a game show. Where they ask questions. You can play, if you like._

_Oh, no! _Dennis Fowl gasped and shook his head violently, displacing messy dark hair. He did _not _want Artemis to kill him.

_But, _he mused softly, _Caleb might want to play..._

At this, Artemis shot his Adorable-and-Shy Alter (Holly's name, not his) a look of death, making the boy flinch. Before Orion could spring to Dennis's defence, yet another clone of Artemis appeared in the centre of the room, grinning.

_You called? _This one was dressed in what Orion termed to be emo garb, complete with eyeliner and multiple piercings in his left ear. Contrasting with his demeanour was his facial expression, set seriously and delicately. Caleb Fowl, otherwise known as Artemis's sense of duty, strolled casually toward the Original, smiling amiably as he said, _a game show, eh? Sounds good, Dennis, but I need to have a word with Artemis._

_Aw! _Came the cry from the mental being that served as a vessel for Artemis's insanity, _but then it's only Orion! Denny's the judge and I'm the host! Please, Cale? PRETTY please?_

Caleb raised an eyebrow. _Artemis'll play. After I talk with him, he'll play._

The usual indifference (marked by the occasional glare-he really hated the Alters, as they became known) gracing his features, he followed Caleb out of the studio, and into the space that hung between Artemis's consciousness and the abyss. (Otherwise named the mind-office/studio/art-room/anything-room, depending on Alex's mood) Sighing, Caleb began, _look, Artemis. We all know what's happening._

_The Atlantis Complex is fading and, well, so are we. We're dying, Artemis. And hell, we're scared. I'm terrified, Alex is crazier than usual, Orion's ranting randomly and Denny's constantly having panic attacks. _Levelling his eyes so that they locked with Artemis's, the Alter went on; _all I'm saying is...just humour us. Go with Al's crazy plans, be nice to Denny, stop making Orion feel like he's nothing; we have a right to that, at least. Plus Al's liable to take over and go psycho again, Art. You sure as hell don't want that, do you?_

Artemis sighed. _Humour you? Fine, but I refuse to allow any of you to _dominate_ my body._

Caleb smiled. _That's alright. Just be nice, kay?_

Muttering under his breath about irritating nonexistent voices disturbing his sleep, Artemis went into the studio.

_LET THE QUESTIONS BE ASKED!_

_OKAY! Artemis-what is the capital of...erm...uh...THE SOUTH POLE?!_

Artemis groaned and glanced at the other "contestant", Orion, who was stifling a laugh. Turning to their rather clueless host, the genius said, _there _is _no capital of the South Pole, you idiot._

Alex paused in the action of _spinning_ aimlessly in the middle of the light-strewn stage, and gasped, _BUT THERE IS!_

_No, I'm afraid-_

_NO! THERE _IS _A CAPITAL! SANTA'S WORKSHOP, _DU-UH!

That assumption was wrong on so many levels, Artemis thought as Alex moved onto Orion. The conversation an hour later went something like this;

_Orion! What is...2+2?_

_Four._

_NO! That's 2x2, idiot!_

_Then what's 2+2?_

_I have no clue, but four is _definitely _2x2. MOVING ON!_

Some minutes later, Artemis was on the verge of strangling Alex, on the brink of death or not.

_Artemis! Why do cows moo?_

_...There is no answer to a question quite so-_

_BECAUSE THEY'RE COWS, DOOFUS!_

_...Right. Move on to Orion, Alex._

He even irritated _Orion, _which was saying something.

_ORION! What's the colour of my underwear?!_

Orion went wide eyed, and sputtered, _h-how am I supposed to know?!_

_GUESS, MINDLESS DRONE! GUESS!_

_Er-red? Blue? Green? _

_NOPE! I don't HAVE underwear, cos I'm not REAL!_

_...Artemis's turn..._

Artemis slumped on the nonexistent podium, and prayed for freedom.

_OKAY! Artemis! What is the name of Denny's favourite toy?!_

_..._How in hell was he supposed to know _that? _The boy may live in his head, but he spent most of his time sleeping or watching the other Alters drive Artemis crazy.

_Artemis? You know the one? Brer? Yeah, what's his name?_

_..._Now this was just ridiculous.

_Arteyyy?_

_...I pass. Orion; your turn._

_YOU GUYS SUCK! No one's got a SINGLE answer right! BASTARDS! Now NO ONE gets the prize!_

Artemis groaned tiredly. _Look, if none of _us _got anything right, that means _you _win._

A look of pure bliss suffused Alex's face, and he cheered loudly, jumping joyously around the studio, waking the sleeping Caleb and Dennis, and allowing both Artemis and Orion a moment of relief.

It took Artemis three more hours to finally drift off to sleep, five minutes after which he would be jerked awake by a nurse. But, for now, he shared his dream (comprising of explosives, dragons, and a talking bear named Brer) with his Alters with a faint smile on his face.


End file.
